In the three days that I haven't been able to sleep well throughout the night, last night was probably the worst. I've been waking up in the middle of the night, at around 3pm or so, with nothing but a thought in my half sleepy head: I'm a failure. Then, I would go down this rabbit hole of scaring myself awake by thinking how I'm gonna have to go back to my corporate job because I'd be nothing. I won't have any money left and my creative ventures would have failed. No one will support me because I'm a burden. Then, I'd starve to death and be in poverty once more.
And I hate, hate, hate my corporate job. I don't want to go back there like a reformed ex convict that got the opportunity for a parole. I don't want to stress myself again over stupid things, get frequent nightmares from the possible scenarios in the morning upon getting to work, and crying endlessly by the end of the day because I feel like my soul is getting crushed under the foot of a corporate ladder. Born to do art, lived to work.
Talking about that made me tear up. I love my life right now. I get to do what I want - which is to create. I make stories and I make art. But the problem is, like every other creative person who tried to make a living out of their art, is money. This shit is clearly not earning me a living. Or does it?
I know it's just my brain messing with me but every time I'd find myself deep in this rabbit hole, the buoy is already way above my head and I can't reach it. The only thing I can do to save myself is to write about it, talk about it, do something about it. But if you're awake in the middle of the night with a snoring partner who wakes up easily and would force you to sleep without even asking you if something's bothering you and why you can't sleep, what can you do? Of course, that would be to lay awake in bed, regurgitating toxic thoughts.
The only reprieve I have would be in the morning when I finally get to write down my thoughts in my journal, but by then my head is already aching that I'd be doing nothing. My day would then be unproductive. I'd cross nothing on my to do list and I'd end up feeling like a stink. I didn't do anything to progress because I don't feel well. I wasted another day doing nothing instead of grinding and pushing my business so that I could earn some money back. I'd feel worse and worse that when the night comes and I'd be restless again. It's a vicious cycle.
So that was me for three days now, and I finally decided to put a stop to it and do something about it. In one of my journal notes, I boiled down my problem to be of my fear of being perceived.
It started when I was working in my second job where I was an ideal employee. I'm a performer, ambitious and hungry for success. I can do many things at the same time and do an exemplary job at each and every one of them. Also, I'm a fast learner, which made me a trailblazer - a progressive in a very traditional team. Although most of the upper management team really appreciated my efforts as I was already bound for promotion then, the middle management wasn't happy. They have their own picks whose careers they want to progress as sort of a pawn in a large chessboard that is the political corporate setting (see why I don't like being the corporate world - it has the most dumb political agendas ever). I would often overshadow their picks because, being favorites, they get off being advantageous due to their ass kissing and personality, not hard work. Because the gap between their picks and me, their overlords decided to do the dirtiest work on me - they looked at my personal social media.
I was reprimanded and the upper management had second thoughts on my promotion, deeming me as someone with a bad attitude. And when you're a sole breadwinner and an orphan, your promotion is kind of your ticket way out of poverty. The salary increase will at least ease some of the burdens you're trying to bury deep inside you because you can only handle one thing at a time. And when the one thing you decided to handle - the one thing you decided to give your full trust in - disappoints you, it can do a real damage to you.
So I stepped away from social media. I stopped posting and sharing about my life altogether. Now I know that's some three years ago already and I've done some massive growth on that part, however I still feel like the entire experience like a threat looming above my head like a dagger on a string. I would share some posts on social media: I would share some updates about family and all - but never about myself. Never again about myself. Because I feared that anything that I post about myself will be used as a bullet against me somewhere in the future - might be a future job - that just like how I was desperate then, I would be desperate again and that will be the end of me.
Again, I know it was just my brain because there's no one above me that people who dislike me can report me to whoever is above me. In fact, I'm no longer in the corporate hierarchy so surely that fear won't be possible this time around. But still it was difficult. I could hear my thoughts saying, "If you share controversial stuff now, you might not get hired because they've seen what you posted. Or you might not get regularized. Or you might not get promoted", and on and on. So the fear was still valid no matter how distant it may be.
So this morning in my journal entry I also tried to device a way for me to get over this fear. The thing that I decided to do was to post my face daily. So I created a private tumblr blog on which I'm either going to post a selfie or a short vlog. I'll do that until I get used to not only seeing myself in the screen of a social media platform, but also to speak in it. Right now I just have the trouble of uploading the vlog in tumblr because apparently it only accepted 100MB file.
Today, I also decided I'm going to take a mental health day, something I know I cannot afford to do when I was in corporate world but I can easily do now. Another thing to be grateful about. But the most helpful of all were these media that I encountered as if the good algorithm gods have known of my plight, they decided to throw good stuff on my way as I rest.
Artist Branding Basics, Night Markets, & Parasocial Relationships (ft @kelsiekishidraws) EP 13 by Mualcaina is a video podcast, and I came about Maci's videos when watching artist alley vlogs. I'm really grateful of her guest, Kelsie, whom I believe is a Filipino American living in Hawaii. The best part came around the 50 minute mark.
They talked about having a full time job vs. being a full time entrepreneur. While I already know that some of the skills I learned in the corporate world were the same skills I can apply in my small business, Kelsie puts emphasis on the different kind of grind in the space. That if you are the kind of person who is okay with receiving a stable income, comfortable at the boundary that is work and life when you clock out from you 9 to 5, then being an entrepreneur might not be for you. What I liked the most about what Kelsie said is that "the best small businesses are people who refuse to work for someone else ever. That fire under your butt motivates you like crazy." And I don't want to work for others anymore. "If you don't like it (work and personal life) bleeding together, it's gonna be so annoying... I'm traumatized by the workforce and I refuse to ever go back to it. And it's the fire under my butt that's going to make sure I'd make this work," Kelsie said. That bleeding part is difficult for me, because I was so used to the corporate structure where I'm done with work when I clocked out. But I have to think that if I wanted to get out of corporate for good, I need to be motivated into bleeding my personal life with my business life.
Also they said that having a 9-5 is not bad if it gets you to be able to continue your small business. It could also be a part time. Kelsie also said that you need to let go of some money and invest some in the business.
They also discussed that this - the entire journey of entrepreneurship - is a slow grind. It's going take some time to earn a living. I think that's why people settle for a 9 to 5 - everything's already set up. That the people who went viral were the exception, not the rule. Kelsie also mentioned that the slow burn is advantageous than going viral overnight. In a slow burn, you have something that's stable and consistent. Going viral overnight makes you run out of stock and therefore lose a lot of sales. I guess this a reminder for me that the path I chose will be a lengthy one and it will be built upon the consistency, the growth, and the tenacity in me.
Fan art is good, but if it's not the route you're willing to go to and you had a lot of faith in your original characters, then it's a valid decision. "It's always greener on the other side."
Kelsie also mentioned that in their previous life as a couple, where they were really well off, having more money than they knew what to do with - they were miserable. They felt like hamsters on a wheel, waking up in the morning just to do it all over again for the weekend where you stress about doing it all over again. And that was me when I was an assistant manager for an oil company. I'm with her when she said that she'd rather make a living doing something she enjoys if she's going to work her entire life. Now I have this belief that people need work, not for the sake of earning money (that's a part of it), but rather as a purpose - a meaning in life. I'd talk about that soon. It's better to wake up and be excited in doing something than dreading what you're doing through the entire day.
It's time to finally finish that creative project you keep ignoring by Bucketgirl is another video that I watched today. This one is about chasing the algorithm that you weren't able to pursue what you really wanted to create. It's about making excuses, having a million ideas and not finishing any of them. You need to finish one project after another and never losing your momentum. Just keep creating and don't look back!
The Impossible Project is a documentary. While watching this I was encouraged to pull out my old Instax Mini 8 and charged some batteries. I placed my Traveler's Notebook Passport size and my Kaweco Sport fountain pen on my desk beside me.
I was inspired at the idea that not everything in my existence needed to be digital. That analog can live side by side with the zeros and ones. I choose to write my novel's draft longhand using a fountain pen (cause I use too much ink) and a notebook but I also transferred it in a word processor. I both use digital and traditional art.
Socially, it's good to get out of social media for once and have friends that you can hang out and create with in real life. I don't have to dwell in the fact that I don't have much social media presence, but I should strive to have a social media that can bring me friends in real life.
Also, convenient doesn't mean it's good, for going through some inconvenience can mean intentionality.
There's someone in the video who said that the new luxury will not be about buying expensive things, it will be about affording experiences (using all the senses) that only analog can bring.
The Work of Art in the Age of Surveillance Capitalism by Brendan Morris delves into the philosophy, politics, and socioeconomic realities of social media and capitalism. It talks about Karl Marx and Michel Foucault and uses clips from Clockwork Orange which I love, love, love! The editing is insane too that I think it deserves more views. What I learned from this is: art is, and always be, political. We can use our art to undermine the invasiveness of capitalism.
Kaya-Kalp by Intizar Husaid is a short story that I read tonight and came as a buzzer beater for today’s entry. However, this one is not algorithm influenced because I was already reading this book, The Big Book of Modern Fantasy. The short story was about a mighty prince who fell in love with a princess who is threatened by a giant during the night. The princess would turn the prince into a fly by night and back to human into day in order to hide the prince from the giant. Until the prince began to slowly turn into a fly on his own because of the princess’ doubts and the giant’s threat. It’s a good story and I can't help but see my journey as a creative in it. I was once a really good story teller who, due to necessity, had to learn the comforts of a corporate job. But just like me, will the prince stay as a fly or will choose to fight for the man that he truly is?
And that's it for me.
The Algorithm Had Blessed Me
10/17/2024