what am i fearing of? i kept seeing things, motivational stuff, about fear being the cause of inaction for most people. and i think there's definitely something that was stopping me from being my best most prolific productive self, right? so what is it? i was thinking about it this whole morning and although i definitely need some time to think about it, i'll do it real time. maybe it's the idea that i'm presenting as someone who is successful, who is perfect, without flaw. someone who does it well and graciously on the first try, who looks effortless and elegant while doing it. but where did i learn this? maybe during childhood where in order to be praised, i need not to be the one who makes the mess. i'm the eldest, i'm supposed to be the least problematic child, the one who's supposed to set a good example to her siblings. if i make mistake, then i'm not better than my siblings who were a lot more immature than me, therefore i'm disappointing my caregiver. so maybe that's the point. i fear i'm going to disappoint someone - anyone.

that's my fear: the fear of disappointing anyone.

so how are we going to solve this?

1. shit happens

i don't know what else to say about this, but there are things that are beyond our control (even if it looks like that we can or we were told that we can) and sometimes (more often than not), it's shit.

2. we are not responsible for other people's reaction

although this one looks like it's coming from a high horse but even if we did out bestest, there will still be people who will not like what we did. and that's normal. life will be boring if we all agree to each other. that's not a life a creative wants to live because then there'd be no inspiration to create art about.

3. people don't care about you, they only think of themselves

yeah sure they might think about you for a while but they're not going to think about you forever. not even your most obsessed lover would think about you forever. they have to go on their day, think about their concerns, their challenges, their wants and desires, and that doesn't include you. i mean they would remember you sometimes, but think about it, when you think of other people, how long do you think about them before you go on your own way. most likely less than a minute right? that's more or less the same for other people. and you're basing your entire life's worth over a minute? that's rather unfair.

4. put yourself in situation where you're in the point of no return and the only path is forward

the thing is, this is still rooted in anxiety. it's probably a chicken and egg problem but like what we do in every other situation that triggers our anxiety, we take a note of it and we challenge it. for example

i feel like if i keep posting stuff about my work, people would feel like i'm obnoxious

- do really people feel that? i mean you do feel about that but think about their post. mostly the post you feel obnoxious about are those that are full of themselves. like, they're not showing their art, or promoting their art or their work. they're just there being an influencer lol. but you are here to share your work, so people will definitely not feel like you're obnoxious.

i feel like the gatekeepers are not going to accept me if i don't do things perfectly

- in this day and age, you still worry about the gatekeepers? that's the power of the internet darling, you can reach out to the people who resonate with you. yeah sure there's the crappy algorithm but all you have to do is to be honest and people will come. sure it will take some time, but you can use that time to work hard. just keep working hard.

i feel like people are not going to agree with what i'm going to say and that the haters will be vicious

- and there will be opinions. just like how opinions of yours exist. and i know people try to be on your opinion spaces to bait for a discussion, but you can always not reply - delete - and block them should you decide that their opinion is just dumb. but check your opinions too if that also was dumb. the thing is, if you're going to be in the opinion space, make sure that you're up to that kind of stuff. i mean that shit was also in fiction but you can brush it off to being subjective. but fiction takes a lot more creative energy than just yapping in nonfiction so i understand the preference of convenience. but yeah, make those opinion motivate you to create more. and then they won't be able to keep track of you.

does that make you feel any better now? not really, not a lot. i still want to solve the idea of me not doing anything creative. i just don't want to rely on the fact that. last night i was looking for the comics that shows a man resigning from his full time job, but all the cool gadgets to create art, but then did nothing. but i couldn't find it. so instead i'm just going to think of it. i knew i'm super envious of creatives or even people in sciences who would work in really quiet places. sometimes, i would fantasize about me being on a long solitude streak where i'm just enjoying the silences for days on end. but the thing is, such a place is impossible for me for now. there's nothing i could do. i'm broke and relying on my boyfriend for my basic needs. my home (which i own) was so far ass from the metro where my bf work so it's not possible for us to move there. also my house was filled to the brim with people so idk if we're still going to fit there. this place is hella noisy, with motorcycles and loud music and people who swallowed megaphones. and i can't write or do any thinking here. sure i can go out to coffee shops but it's hella expensive now and it's in the middle of the summer and i'll be fried and toasted if i go out. but looking at it, these were all just excuses. like there are people who are earning influencer money when they live in barong barong like what the fuck. and i'm living in a modest apartment and i can't do that? really, these were all just excuses. i have, what, three ear devices here: there's the wired earbuds, a noise cancelling headphones, and an earplugs. then there's some money to leave this house and work at a coffee shop. it's just annoying that there's no library here to work and if there is, you have to be an alumni of that school. but the strange thing is, i would see people carrying their laptops just working anywhere whenever i'm out an about on a weekend. the money i could buy with comics or something, could be put in a coffee and just work there. so these are all just excuses. i could always get up after lunch and work at a coffee shop. no need to charge my devices because i'm not going to be gone for long (also the only thing why my devices are draining really quick is because of the internet, of which i don't have when working outside). So that's the only thing in needed to work my tablet, my keyboard, a stuff to write on, money, keys, alcohol, fan, and a fucking umbrella. no one needs to perceive me because i'm imperceivable whenever i'm busy. and that's it. it doesn't look too bad if you stop making excuses really. plus i can get to see the cats if i want. and getting out is also good for me since i need to be around people in order not to lose my disappearing social skills. so that's the plan. that's the plan next week. okay

On fear and creating

5/3/2025